


to live for the hope of it all

by snowandfire



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Canonical Child Abuse, F/M, First Kiss, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Young Love, mai centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26170324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowandfire/pseuds/snowandfire
Summary: they'll always have that springOR: mai and zuko before the agni kai
Relationships: Mai/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 156





	to live for the hope of it all

**Author's Note:**

  * For [earlgreylover98](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgreylover98/gifts).



> for ro, with love

Mai loves the spring. It's the one time of the year when she, Ty Lee and Azula get to return to the capital and stay for longer than a week. They get a whole month off from the academy. The cherry blossoms are in bloom. It's not as hot as it'll get in the summer. She can stay in the palace with Azula, politically advantageous as it is to be so close to the favored princess. Being away from her mother's watchful eyes is always a relief. And yes, Zuko is there too. 

She tries not to give away how she feels about that. Not anymore anyway. 

The year before she had made the mistake of asking Azula why her brother didn't go to the boys academy nearby. Directly. _Stupid_. 

Azula had answered quickly, "Father probably doesn't want people to see his progress with bending," but then had turned to Mai and narrowed her eyes, "what's it to you?"

_Careful._

"Nothing," Mai had yawned--she could yawn almost on cue, "Just. Curious." 

Azula had dropped it then. But Mai knew she couldn't let a slip up like that happen again. Dangerous.

Sure. When they were kids Azula had known that Mai liked Zuko. But Mai's thirteen now. Azula can't possibly think she _still_ holds a candle for him (even though it's true).

It would ruin everything. Mai knows Azula doesn't like to share. Not unless she can get something out of it. 

She'll just have to stay well enough away from Zuko this year then. It shouldn't be hard. He probably has princely business and stuff like that. She makes up her mind. _Stay away from him._

But she miscalculates. 

Zuko is unavoidable. Zuko is _everywhere_. 

The first time they see each other again is at a formal dinner. They're seated right next to each other. Because _of course they are._

Luckily. Azula _and_ Ty Lee are at the opposite side of the table. So there's no one around to see her blush. 

_Control. Easy. Breathe._

Mai steadies her voice, and looks at him, "So. How's it been?"

Zuko looks annoyed, but then, he always does, "Did my sister put you up to this? I didn't tell her what forms I practice so she asks you to do the digging for her?"

"No. Jeez. I was just trying to be polite. I don't actually care." Mai sighs. 

Their conversation easily goes under the radar over the much louder debates and guffaws of the adults.

He looks apologetic, and as if he's recalculating, "Oh." 

She hates that she finds this cute. _Stop._

"I-in that case. I mean. How've you been?" he asks, his face is all scrunched up, and he looks so, so awkward. She can see it in his eyes. Still so innocent. Eager to please. 

She feels a delicate flip in her own stomach and immediately pinches her own arm. _No._

"Bored mostly. And you? Unless you want to yell at me again." 

"Fine," he says, "I'm fine."

Clearly no one's asked him how he is in a long time. Or if they have. He's never given a real answer in a long time. That's par for the course though, Mai knows that game too. She plays it better than him. 

'Fine'. _Liar._ But then. So is she. 

* * *

The next time she sees him it's in the courtyard. Azula is off practicing with the fire sages. So it's just her and Ty Lee. The other girl is cartwheeling around on the grass. Mai's sitting under a tree. Book in hand. But she's not actually reading. Just thinking. 

That's when Zuko comes up to her. 

"Hey," he says. 

"Hey."

Mai closes the book with a snap. She looks at Ty Lee out of the corner of her eye. She's far enough away. It's a fairly large courtyard. She won't hear them--and besides, there's some mutual trust there. Ty Lee won't mention this to Azula. Mai can count on it. 

"Do you need something, your highness?" Mai asks. 

Zuko's hair has grown a bit longer. She can tell even though he wears it up. She likes the brightness of his warm amber eyes. She gets distracted by them so much she forgets to pay attention to what he's actually saying. 

_Aw crap._

"Okay," she shrugs--it's a standard response and works for everything. 

He smiles. And looks surprised. _Oh. Oh no._

As he links his arm in hers, sending goosebumps all over her skin and butterflies in her stomach she figures it out. He must have asked if they could take a walk. 

Oh well, what's one walk between childhood friends. There's political advantage to taking walks with a future fire lord. He couldn't possibly like me like I like him. He just wants an ally. So it's safe. These are the lies Mai tells herself. 

"What do you do all day?" Mai asks, enjoying the feeling of their linked arms a little too much for her own comfort. 

"I mean I study firebending. I guess you knew that though. I have tutors."

_But no friends._

Silence.

"What do you do? Other than the academy stuff. For fun I mean."

"Nothing," Mai answers. 

"Oh." 

"I like throwing knives," she admits. 

"That's amazing." 

She feels a jolt of excitement. That blush again. _Amazing._ He said. _Stop stop stop._

"It's a simple technique." 

"Still. I didn't know you did stuff like that." 

"Stuff like what?" 

"Fighting," he explains. 

"Because of my warm and gentle nature?" 

He laughs, "Yeah. Because of that." 

She laughs too. Then stops herself. Covers her mouth. 

Then he says the darndest thing. 

"It's okay. I've always liked this side of you." 

* * *

They meet up for little walks here and there after that. Sometimes he'll be waiting outside her room in the evening. Or she'll lurk near his in the morning. 

It's strategic. An alliance. Nothing more. She can't afford to get attached. 

She wants to though. She likes telling him about school. How she likes math but hates just about everything else. How she taught herself knife throwing. Apparently he learns traditional weaponry too. He babbles excitedly about dual swords and she realizes she likes the way his face looks in the light. His earnestness. 

She still doesn't know what they are. But they're only kids. And they're only here on break for a month. What could happen.

* * *

One day they take their walk and end up by the pond. There used to be turtleducks here. Years ago. But that was when Zuko's mother was still alive. Mai's still not sure what happened to her. But they're not supposed to ask. 

He looks sad for once. Grumpy. A little bit off. Not his usual sunshine self. It bothers her. 

"Hey. Snap out of it," she says. If she says anything more comforting than that. She'll give herself away. Her stupid crush. 

"What? Oh," he looks at her, but doesn't come into focus. 

Without thinking, she reaches out and takes his hand. Just the tips of her fingers intertwined with the tips of his. His hands are warm. _Firebender._ They would be. 

He brightens up immediately. Looks at her like she's incredibly special. Like they're sharing a secret. 

For a moment she lets herself just look at him. Lets her eyes and her face and her whole body just breathe. And be _. I like you. I'm not happy here. But I like you._

He squeezes her hand back. Mai wishes she could live in this moment forever. But she knows that she can't. Still, no force on earth could make her let go. She's always been stubborn. 

* * *

There's an important meeting tomorrow. About the war. But it's also the last few days she's going to spend here. In the capital. The last few days she can spend with him. 

"I wish he would see how much I've improved," Zuko says, they're standing in the shadow of a tree.

He looks downcast and a little angry, "I'm better now. He just won't…" 

"He's going to see. I'm sure he's just thinking about the war. He has a lot on his mind," Mai says, she's trying to help. 

"He watches _her_ train." Zuko says. 

It's obvious who he's talking about. 

"She's trying to learn how to bend lightning," Mai reveals. It's a secret. But she wants to give it to him. A warning. 

"Great!" Zuko throws up his hands, "Perfect!"

"Zuko--"

"And you're leaving too," he notes bitterly. 

"I have to. You know that." 

"But do you want to?" he asks. No one's ever asked her that. 

"No." 

"Academy's pretty bad, huh? I mean. From what you've told--" 

"Zuko," she feels wetness in her eyes that's entirely unacceptable. 

Then all of a sudden he sees it too. She's not sure how it happens. It's not really a hug. He's just shuffled a little close. She's a little close too. Hidden behind the tree. 

Mai sees the look in his eyes. Just a minute ago he was angry and worked up about himself and his dad. But now he's concerned about her. She's successfully stifled her own tears before they came. But she can't bottle his emotion. It's written all over his face. 

She's never been _this_ close to a boy before. Her heart starts beating real fast. No amount of practice or control will stop it. He's just a little bit taller. 

She's the one who asks, "Maybe once?"

He nods eagerly. Leans down. And kisses her. She takes the chance to caress his left cheek. Soft. His lips are warm. It lasts a second. Maybe two. She's never felt this giddy. Maybe ever. But she can't show it. 

They don't know what to say after. And just stand around awkwardly. 

It's Zuko who speaks first, "I, uh, I guess I'll be seeing you around."

"Maybe," she says, and keeps a straight face, with a hint of a smile she just can't hold back. 

She doesn't see him again. Not like this anyway. 

* * *

Mai doesn't tell anyone else this. Not even him. Later. But it's the worst day of her life too. 

She's sitting in the audience when she hears him scream. The image of the firelord cupping the face of his only son and setting it on fire haunts her in her sleep for years to come. The moment it happens she feels her mother's hand tightening on her wrist. 

She doesn't realize that she's been stepping forward. As if to go and help him. _Foolish._ She's numb. A part of her wants to take out a knife and--. But that's not a part she can act on. Even for him.

She doesn't realize that she's crying. 

* * *

They don't let her see him. They don't tell her when he's gone. 

She sharpens her knives in the shade of the tree. Remembers. 

She catches Azula mentioning something strange. 

_If he captures the avatar, they'll let him come home._

For the first time in her life, Mai prays. She hopes against hope and holds it in her heart, secret and safe, lives the only way she can live. For the first time in her life, Mai wants the impossible. 

A thousand miles away. In another sea. Near another land. An iceberg begins to crack. 


End file.
